Are you taking what you're really wanting???

There are so many women who express how much they want a husband, kids, a loving relationship, etc. but they are in situations with men who express (whether through actions or words) how much they will NEVER be the ones to provide these things. In response, you would think a woman in this situation would RUN from these men- You know run so fast that she never looks back, only forward into the arms of the man willing to love only her and give her those commitments that she desires.  However, this is not the case. I think Jill Scott put it best in her recent interview with Sister2Sister magazine when she revealed that she used to be “dickmatized.”

        Dickmatized- “Where you get caught up in the whole sexuality of your relationship but it’s not going

       Anywhere….Just somebody giving you the goods but not necessarily giving you the rest-or not

       Expecting the rest from them.” –Jill Scott

So, can I assume that so many of us women have been dickmatized? I know I have been there a time or two or maybe three. In hindsight, I have come to the same conclusion as Jill, “What I’ve discovered is, although it may be a lot of fun, it is also a waste of time and you might be blocking your blessing-blocking somebody who wants to be more to you than just a great time in your life.” How many of us have been taking the great time but really wanting the lifetime from a man???

Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.” Thus, it is INSANE to think that by dating the SAME type of non-committing, fun-having man that you will FINALLY get what you’ve been wanting. Instead, we have to stop fooling ourselves and just taking what is fun if we really want the WHOLE big bang. So, I leave you with a couple RED FLAGS that indicate he might only “dickmatize” you… J BEWARE!!!

·         He says, “I am not looking for anything serious.”

·         Never invites you to do date type of stuff. You guys just hang out, at your house, at his house after 8.

·         He is ALWAYS out with the boys, playing the game, etc. months and months have went by and time with you is not a priority

·         When your friends ask about him you respond, “We are just having a good time.”

·         He doesn’t care if you date or see other people.

·         The only time you talk is when you initiate the conversation.

·         Plans are always last minute, convenient for him (I understand people are busy but people make time for what they want to make time for)

·         The sex is great, the sex is great…. Wait that is all that is great.

·         He doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you- your views, your interests, your likes, your personality…. You get it.

Are you snooping with a purpose?

He is in the shower and his phone is sitting by the bed just screaming, “Just take a peek, just one little peek.” Or better yet, you have an urge to challenge your inner detective to see if you can guess his Facebook password. BINGO! You are good, first try and it might as well be a joint account because you are going to check it every day, as if the messages are also addressed to you. I think 99% of us are guilty of snooping on our partner at least once. And once, “once” occurs, it is an addiction that is hard to break because every time is the “last” time you are going to look. So, exactly what is our purpose for snooping? I mean majority of us do not leave the untrustworthy partner once we find what we were hoping not to find.

I have had several girlfriends, including myself, find things that we were hoping we would not find. We wanted reassurance that we had no reason to feel insecure or not trust our partner. But “When you go looking for trouble, you will find it” and our inspector gadget days were not trouble-free. Then to make matters worse, we collect enough evidence to support the doubts of deception and we argue and fight but still stay. The relationship then turns into an exhausting one that lacks the necessary ingredient for health- TRUST. Or, if we find nothing many times we keep snooping until eventually “ta-da!”

We blame him for his betrayal. We want him to reassure us that he messed up by apologizing repeatedly and making it up to us. Even if he does, we never really trust him again because we continue to snoop in hopes that we won’t find anything. The cycle continues, until he gets tired of explaining himself and having to constantly reassure us about our insecurities or we get exhausted from the constant checking up behind him. Or even worse, our threats to leave are not taken seriously because we never have or he loses respect for us because we know what he is doing and allow him to do it because we stay. The only purpose snooping served was the creation of an insecure woman in a diminishing relationship with an untrustworthy, angry man.

Now I do not condone cheating but I have learned if I am not ready to leave him then I do need to condone looking for reasons to make me feel insecure in our relationship. I have made two categories, (1) Doggish, never going to change men and (2) Good men who make an immature mistake.  NO one wants to be in love, lust, or like with a man in the first category but it is sometimes hard to avoid because we only recognize this man with time invested. Even yet, snooping is not necessary to catch this man. “All that is in dark will soon come to light” and when you constantly lie and cheat you are bound to be caught. Second, I have been in relationships with who I would consider, good men; however, they were young and immature. Didn’t mean they did not care about me, it meant they were human and made mistakes. Mistakes that had I not been snooping I probably would never had found out about because I was always protected and prioritized in the relationship. But because I snooped, stuff that was nothing became something and eventually we got to the point of no return and he decided “not to return.”

In conclusion, IF YOUR SNOOPING HAS NO PURPOSE, THAN YOU HAVE NO PURPOSE SNOOPING. Why do you want to put effort into making a relationship worse? Time reveals a person’s true character and if you just sit back, observe, prioritize, and consistently improve on you there is no other outcome but for you to win. Even if winning means you did not win him. Next time you find yourself wanting to dig through his stuff ask yourself if you are really ready to do something with the information you find. Are you honestly going to leave? Or what the real underlying reason behind your need to snoop is? Are you not happy? Are you insecure? Once your security in your relationship becomes dependent upon constantly being reassured by what he is not doing through snooping or questioning him, your relationship is missing the necessary foundations for survival and happiness- trust, security, respect, and loyalty. Though, you might be able to make the relationship work for a while eventually it becomes draining and you lose what you were really not ready to lose.

Wasting Time...

Most of us reach a point in our lives where we want to settle down. A point where just having fun with someone doesn’t cut it anymore. Women who have a limited reproductive window usually reach this point before men because we want to get married and have children. Most of the time there is only one barrier to settling down- finding the person that you want to do it with! BIG BARRIER, huh? As this person is a crucial factor!

It baffles me that we know what we want from the person that we want to build a future and a family with but we waste time with people that we know are not that person. We spend a lot of time giving time to people that only have one ingredient to a complex recipe. I have been guilty of giving the most to people that can’t even call me on the telephone. Now I am not a phone person myself but I am pretty certain I can never build something with a man that doesn’t even put in the effort to communicate. So why do we continue to waste time?

Is it out of loneliness or foolery that we entertain what our gut tells us is not worth our time? Is it the fear of starting over or never finding anyone else that keeps us holding onto what doesn’t fulfill us?

None of us are psychics and it is very rare that one knows within the first date if the person they are dating is the one. That is the beauty of dating. Attraction begins the process of wanting to know more about a person. Dating allows us to know more about the person and if we continue to like what we learn about the person we choose to begin a relationship and start to build toward a future. If not, we maybe gain a friend along the way.ßSounds easy.

So where does the wasting time come into this perfect dating scenario? (1) We are only attracted. We begin to get to know the person and the only thing interesting is how sexy their lips look when they move or how great they look without a shirt on. We know we could never be mentally or spiritually sustained by this person but we keep wasting time because something physical keeps us interested. (2) One party never has the intention of settling down, or at least not with the person they are wasting time with. I believe that most people know most of the time in the beginning whether they would ever have a relationship with the person they are spending any sort of time with. (3) We have been dating a person and it has become stagnant. The situation is not moving toward a relationship.  If you’ve been dating for awhile and one party still doesn’t know if they can commit to you fact may be they will never know! And you are wasting time!

Now if you are only looking for a good time and fun then continue to have a good time and fun! If you want to settle down and complain that you are tired of being single then stop wasting your time with situations you know are not going to be life-long, for whatever reason.  After all, if your attention is focused over there you might miss what is over here ready to settle down with you!

What is this void and how do I fill it?

Sometimes everything feels perfect. I feel happy, joyful, content, and loved. I feel like I am living my life the way that I am supposed to. I feel like I am making the right decisions and that the sunshine is following me everywhere I am going. I am an optimist in every sense of the word! Then something happens, my life starts to feel stagnant, I start looking at what is missing, start searching for something because even in the happiest of times I can’t place my finger on a void that comes and goes. There comes the question- “What is life about?”

This cycle comes and goes. I wonder if everyone has these highs and lows. Are there some people who ALWAYS feel complete and content in their life? I was speaking with a great girlfriend of mine about this “incompleteness”; this “not knowing my ultimate purpose.” She sent me some very wise words that helped my perspective. I would like to share with you:

“Just know that your purpose is always bigger than you. It's never anything small and in your comfort zone. It's going to be something that will be a challenge and a blessing at the same time. And whenever I have that void, I just take about 2-3 min and tell God how much I love him and I appreciate him sending his son to die just for me because nobody else would do that for me...and how he's my source, how he provides me with what I need. I thank him for my parents, friends, my clothes on my back, my car (lol), etc. Anything I can think of and I ask him to fill that void for me because I don't want anything or anyone else to.”

I LOVE IT J! Thanks to my girl!

Are you keeping yourself from happiness?

Everyone has been hurt, betrayed, done wrong, put in a bad situation, forgotten, lied to, cheated on, the list of being disrespected and wronged goes on and on. We have all been there! The funny thing is that some people hold on to past hurts while others hurt, get over it, and move on. What type of person are you?

Are you so consumed with how people have done you wrong in the past that it is consuming your life? I was watching an episode of Oprah in which she was talking about how angry she was at someone. She said that she was so consumed with being angry at this woman that she stayed angry. What opened her eyes about the situation was when she saw the woman at a gas station and the woman was happy. She was smiling and everything was fine! While Oprah was spending her energy being mad, angry, etc. at this woman the culprit was just fine and dandy. This is the case in most situations. The people that consume your energy and keep you angry are usually not giving you a second thought because they have moved on with being happy!

So EXHALE and Get over it! The past is the past and the damage has been done. There is no such thing as a take it back time machine. So you have no choice but to forgive and forget. (Yes, I said forget.) You can never be happy as long as you are consumed with someone else’s life. So next time you find yourself angry and trying to think of ways to sabotage someone’s life ask yourself, “Where is my obsession with wanting them to be unhappy because I am getting me?”  You will find that at the end of the day anger and resentment only keep your most important person –YOU- unhappy.

Have you traded love for a pair of Louboutins and a Louis bag?

I have heard so many women bash the existence of “love” either due to numerous heartbreaks, the love of material possessions, or a combination of both. Some women trade men with vision and morals for men with popularity, money, status, and power. I once had an older man tell me “Men are men. A poor man will put you through the same things as a rich one. So wouldn’t you rather put up with his drama while driving a Mercedes instead of a Kia?” What is so sad is that many women have taken on this mentality. Instead of getting for themselves they put up with men who they don’t really love because they provide them with status, power, money, and possessions- relationships have become business transactions. I may sound naive or like a hopeless romantic but I just refuse to believe that love no longer exists.

There was once a time when women were not able to vote or compete with men in certain professions. Those times are behind us and women like Oprah, Hilary Clinton, Carol Bartz (CEO of Yahoo), etc. have proven that every little girl can grow up to be as successful as she desires. So why are so many women desiring to be rescued or saved by a prince charming? There is nothing wrong with marrying a man that has money, status, or power; however, if you only love him for those things and not for who he is or how he treats you don’t be surprised if you are constantly searching for the next thing to fulfill you.

We have ALL had our hearts broken at one point or another, been filled with resentment toward the “no good” person that left us heart-broken, vowed to never love again, and heard the cliché statement, “Time heals all wounds.” I’m sure Tiger Woods ex-wife does not have to deal with the stress of how am I going to pay my rent but just because she received millions of dollars it doesn’t make her any less hurt or any more happy than those of us working our 9 to 5 who received $0 from our break-up.

Prince Charming shouldn’t be your rescuer or savior but he should be your partner- your best friend. Do not lose site that there are great men out there who want to treat you how you deserve to be treated. Do not give up love so that you can have the latest pair of Louboutins and Louis purse. Instead, feel confident enough to provide for yourself, financially and emotionally. That way when your Prince Charming comes along you can recognize him and choose to be there because you want to be not because you NEED to be. It will not always be easy (matter of fact it won’t be easy at all!) reaching your personal goals but the reward of accomplishment will make the sacrifice worth it. Side Note: Most happily, married women have told me that their prince charming came along when they weren’t even looking for him. SO BE STILL! You don’t want to be stuck with a man you had to trick, stalk, force, or can’t be yourself around.

Wasn't I just fine before you?

After thinking about how depressed I have been after a relationship didn’t work out or someone I really liked only returned the like at their convenience, this thought came to mind, “Wasn’t my life just fine before that person entered?”

Of course, I have heard the notion “Someone can come into your life and make you realize what you have been missing” but let’s be honest most the people that leave us lonely in our lives didn’t deserve to be there in the first place. So why do we feel sad as we stare at the door they left shut behind them? And worse why do some of us allow them to keep a permanent place in our home when they only come back through the door at their convenience!

After all, before that person ever came into our life we would have been just fine. We didn’t feel any void from them, we didn’t think about them constantly, we didn’t CRY over them! Since this is the case shouldn’t we also be content living a happy life when they leave? Of course!!!!!!

Stop being sad and stressed over what wasn’t even a thought in your life at one point! You were just fine before that person and you will be just fine after that person.  Instead of being sad- take the lesson, improve you, and believe me the right person will show up when you least expect them!