Are you taking what you're really wanting???

There are so many women who express how much they want a husband, kids, a loving relationship, etc. but they are in situations with men who express (whether through actions or words) how much they will NEVER be the ones to provide these things. In response, you would think a woman in this situation would RUN from these men- You know run so fast that she never looks back, only forward into the arms of the man willing to love only her and give her those commitments that she desires.  However, this is not the case. I think Jill Scott put it best in her recent interview with Sister2Sister magazine when she revealed that she used to be “dickmatized.”

        Dickmatized- “Where you get caught up in the whole sexuality of your relationship but it’s not going

       Anywhere….Just somebody giving you the goods but not necessarily giving you the rest-or not

       Expecting the rest from them.” –Jill Scott

So, can I assume that so many of us women have been dickmatized? I know I have been there a time or two or maybe three. In hindsight, I have come to the same conclusion as Jill, “What I’ve discovered is, although it may be a lot of fun, it is also a waste of time and you might be blocking your blessing-blocking somebody who wants to be more to you than just a great time in your life.” How many of us have been taking the great time but really wanting the lifetime from a man???

Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.” Thus, it is INSANE to think that by dating the SAME type of non-committing, fun-having man that you will FINALLY get what you’ve been wanting. Instead, we have to stop fooling ourselves and just taking what is fun if we really want the WHOLE big bang. So, I leave you with a couple RED FLAGS that indicate he might only “dickmatize” you… J BEWARE!!!

·         He says, “I am not looking for anything serious.”

·         Never invites you to do date type of stuff. You guys just hang out, at your house, at his house after 8.

·         He is ALWAYS out with the boys, playing the game, etc. months and months have went by and time with you is not a priority

·         When your friends ask about him you respond, “We are just having a good time.”

·         He doesn’t care if you date or see other people.

·         The only time you talk is when you initiate the conversation.

·         Plans are always last minute, convenient for him (I understand people are busy but people make time for what they want to make time for)

·         The sex is great, the sex is great…. Wait that is all that is great.

·         He doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you- your views, your interests, your likes, your personality…. You get it.

Are you snooping with a purpose?

He is in the shower and his phone is sitting by the bed just screaming, “Just take a peek, just one little peek.” Or better yet, you have an urge to challenge your inner detective to see if you can guess his Facebook password. BINGO! You are good, first try and it might as well be a joint account because you are going to check it every day, as if the messages are also addressed to you. I think 99% of us are guilty of snooping on our partner at least once. And once, “once” occurs, it is an addiction that is hard to break because every time is the “last” time you are going to look. So, exactly what is our purpose for snooping? I mean majority of us do not leave the untrustworthy partner once we find what we were hoping not to find.

I have had several girlfriends, including myself, find things that we were hoping we would not find. We wanted reassurance that we had no reason to feel insecure or not trust our partner. But “When you go looking for trouble, you will find it” and our inspector gadget days were not trouble-free. Then to make matters worse, we collect enough evidence to support the doubts of deception and we argue and fight but still stay. The relationship then turns into an exhausting one that lacks the necessary ingredient for health- TRUST. Or, if we find nothing many times we keep snooping until eventually “ta-da!”

We blame him for his betrayal. We want him to reassure us that he messed up by apologizing repeatedly and making it up to us. Even if he does, we never really trust him again because we continue to snoop in hopes that we won’t find anything. The cycle continues, until he gets tired of explaining himself and having to constantly reassure us about our insecurities or we get exhausted from the constant checking up behind him. Or even worse, our threats to leave are not taken seriously because we never have or he loses respect for us because we know what he is doing and allow him to do it because we stay. The only purpose snooping served was the creation of an insecure woman in a diminishing relationship with an untrustworthy, angry man.

Now I do not condone cheating but I have learned if I am not ready to leave him then I do need to condone looking for reasons to make me feel insecure in our relationship. I have made two categories, (1) Doggish, never going to change men and (2) Good men who make an immature mistake.  NO one wants to be in love, lust, or like with a man in the first category but it is sometimes hard to avoid because we only recognize this man with time invested. Even yet, snooping is not necessary to catch this man. “All that is in dark will soon come to light” and when you constantly lie and cheat you are bound to be caught. Second, I have been in relationships with who I would consider, good men; however, they were young and immature. Didn’t mean they did not care about me, it meant they were human and made mistakes. Mistakes that had I not been snooping I probably would never had found out about because I was always protected and prioritized in the relationship. But because I snooped, stuff that was nothing became something and eventually we got to the point of no return and he decided “not to return.”

In conclusion, IF YOUR SNOOPING HAS NO PURPOSE, THAN YOU HAVE NO PURPOSE SNOOPING. Why do you want to put effort into making a relationship worse? Time reveals a person’s true character and if you just sit back, observe, prioritize, and consistently improve on you there is no other outcome but for you to win. Even if winning means you did not win him. Next time you find yourself wanting to dig through his stuff ask yourself if you are really ready to do something with the information you find. Are you honestly going to leave? Or what the real underlying reason behind your need to snoop is? Are you not happy? Are you insecure? Once your security in your relationship becomes dependent upon constantly being reassured by what he is not doing through snooping or questioning him, your relationship is missing the necessary foundations for survival and happiness- trust, security, respect, and loyalty. Though, you might be able to make the relationship work for a while eventually it becomes draining and you lose what you were really not ready to lose.

Wasting Time...

Most of us reach a point in our lives where we want to settle down. A point where just having fun with someone doesn’t cut it anymore. Women who have a limited reproductive window usually reach this point before men because we want to get married and have children. Most of the time there is only one barrier to settling down- finding the person that you want to do it with! BIG BARRIER, huh? As this person is a crucial factor!

It baffles me that we know what we want from the person that we want to build a future and a family with but we waste time with people that we know are not that person. We spend a lot of time giving time to people that only have one ingredient to a complex recipe. I have been guilty of giving the most to people that can’t even call me on the telephone. Now I am not a phone person myself but I am pretty certain I can never build something with a man that doesn’t even put in the effort to communicate. So why do we continue to waste time?

Is it out of loneliness or foolery that we entertain what our gut tells us is not worth our time? Is it the fear of starting over or never finding anyone else that keeps us holding onto what doesn’t fulfill us?

None of us are psychics and it is very rare that one knows within the first date if the person they are dating is the one. That is the beauty of dating. Attraction begins the process of wanting to know more about a person. Dating allows us to know more about the person and if we continue to like what we learn about the person we choose to begin a relationship and start to build toward a future. If not, we maybe gain a friend along the way.ßSounds easy.

So where does the wasting time come into this perfect dating scenario? (1) We are only attracted. We begin to get to know the person and the only thing interesting is how sexy their lips look when they move or how great they look without a shirt on. We know we could never be mentally or spiritually sustained by this person but we keep wasting time because something physical keeps us interested. (2) One party never has the intention of settling down, or at least not with the person they are wasting time with. I believe that most people know most of the time in the beginning whether they would ever have a relationship with the person they are spending any sort of time with. (3) We have been dating a person and it has become stagnant. The situation is not moving toward a relationship.  If you’ve been dating for awhile and one party still doesn’t know if they can commit to you fact may be they will never know! And you are wasting time!

Now if you are only looking for a good time and fun then continue to have a good time and fun! If you want to settle down and complain that you are tired of being single then stop wasting your time with situations you know are not going to be life-long, for whatever reason.  After all, if your attention is focused over there you might miss what is over here ready to settle down with you!

What is this void and how do I fill it?

Sometimes everything feels perfect. I feel happy, joyful, content, and loved. I feel like I am living my life the way that I am supposed to. I feel like I am making the right decisions and that the sunshine is following me everywhere I am going. I am an optimist in every sense of the word! Then something happens, my life starts to feel stagnant, I start looking at what is missing, start searching for something because even in the happiest of times I can’t place my finger on a void that comes and goes. There comes the question- “What is life about?”

This cycle comes and goes. I wonder if everyone has these highs and lows. Are there some people who ALWAYS feel complete and content in their life? I was speaking with a great girlfriend of mine about this “incompleteness”; this “not knowing my ultimate purpose.” She sent me some very wise words that helped my perspective. I would like to share with you:

“Just know that your purpose is always bigger than you. It's never anything small and in your comfort zone. It's going to be something that will be a challenge and a blessing at the same time. And whenever I have that void, I just take about 2-3 min and tell God how much I love him and I appreciate him sending his son to die just for me because nobody else would do that for me...and how he's my source, how he provides me with what I need. I thank him for my parents, friends, my clothes on my back, my car (lol), etc. Anything I can think of and I ask him to fill that void for me because I don't want anything or anyone else to.”

I LOVE IT J! Thanks to my girl!

Are you keeping yourself from happiness?

Everyone has been hurt, betrayed, done wrong, put in a bad situation, forgotten, lied to, cheated on, the list of being disrespected and wronged goes on and on. We have all been there! The funny thing is that some people hold on to past hurts while others hurt, get over it, and move on. What type of person are you?

Are you so consumed with how people have done you wrong in the past that it is consuming your life? I was watching an episode of Oprah in which she was talking about how angry she was at someone. She said that she was so consumed with being angry at this woman that she stayed angry. What opened her eyes about the situation was when she saw the woman at a gas station and the woman was happy. She was smiling and everything was fine! While Oprah was spending her energy being mad, angry, etc. at this woman the culprit was just fine and dandy. This is the case in most situations. The people that consume your energy and keep you angry are usually not giving you a second thought because they have moved on with being happy!

So EXHALE and Get over it! The past is the past and the damage has been done. There is no such thing as a take it back time machine. So you have no choice but to forgive and forget. (Yes, I said forget.) You can never be happy as long as you are consumed with someone else’s life. So next time you find yourself angry and trying to think of ways to sabotage someone’s life ask yourself, “Where is my obsession with wanting them to be unhappy because I am getting me?”  You will find that at the end of the day anger and resentment only keep your most important person –YOU- unhappy.

Have you traded love for a pair of Louboutins and a Louis bag?

I have heard so many women bash the existence of “love” either due to numerous heartbreaks, the love of material possessions, or a combination of both. Some women trade men with vision and morals for men with popularity, money, status, and power. I once had an older man tell me “Men are men. A poor man will put you through the same things as a rich one. So wouldn’t you rather put up with his drama while driving a Mercedes instead of a Kia?” What is so sad is that many women have taken on this mentality. Instead of getting for themselves they put up with men who they don’t really love because they provide them with status, power, money, and possessions- relationships have become business transactions. I may sound naive or like a hopeless romantic but I just refuse to believe that love no longer exists.

There was once a time when women were not able to vote or compete with men in certain professions. Those times are behind us and women like Oprah, Hilary Clinton, Carol Bartz (CEO of Yahoo), etc. have proven that every little girl can grow up to be as successful as she desires. So why are so many women desiring to be rescued or saved by a prince charming? There is nothing wrong with marrying a man that has money, status, or power; however, if you only love him for those things and not for who he is or how he treats you don’t be surprised if you are constantly searching for the next thing to fulfill you.

We have ALL had our hearts broken at one point or another, been filled with resentment toward the “no good” person that left us heart-broken, vowed to never love again, and heard the cliché statement, “Time heals all wounds.” I’m sure Tiger Woods ex-wife does not have to deal with the stress of how am I going to pay my rent but just because she received millions of dollars it doesn’t make her any less hurt or any more happy than those of us working our 9 to 5 who received $0 from our break-up.

Prince Charming shouldn’t be your rescuer or savior but he should be your partner- your best friend. Do not lose site that there are great men out there who want to treat you how you deserve to be treated. Do not give up love so that you can have the latest pair of Louboutins and Louis purse. Instead, feel confident enough to provide for yourself, financially and emotionally. That way when your Prince Charming comes along you can recognize him and choose to be there because you want to be not because you NEED to be. It will not always be easy (matter of fact it won’t be easy at all!) reaching your personal goals but the reward of accomplishment will make the sacrifice worth it. Side Note: Most happily, married women have told me that their prince charming came along when they weren’t even looking for him. SO BE STILL! You don’t want to be stuck with a man you had to trick, stalk, force, or can’t be yourself around.

Wasn't I just fine before you?

After thinking about how depressed I have been after a relationship didn’t work out or someone I really liked only returned the like at their convenience, this thought came to mind, “Wasn’t my life just fine before that person entered?”

Of course, I have heard the notion “Someone can come into your life and make you realize what you have been missing” but let’s be honest most the people that leave us lonely in our lives didn’t deserve to be there in the first place. So why do we feel sad as we stare at the door they left shut behind them? And worse why do some of us allow them to keep a permanent place in our home when they only come back through the door at their convenience!

After all, before that person ever came into our life we would have been just fine. We didn’t feel any void from them, we didn’t think about them constantly, we didn’t CRY over them! Since this is the case shouldn’t we also be content living a happy life when they leave? Of course!!!!!!

Stop being sad and stressed over what wasn’t even a thought in your life at one point! You were just fine before that person and you will be just fine after that person.  Instead of being sad- take the lesson, improve you, and believe me the right person will show up when you least expect them!

Did you really say that?

Now I don’t know if I should admit this but I I have one of my ex’s login information for his social networking account (before yall get all judgmental, he knows and doesn’t care). We really are just friends.  Anyway, when I am bored I may log on for entertainment purposes (or just because I am nosey). Some of the messages that he receives are quite comical. As a result, I started asking myself, “Do us women/men think about some of the things we write/say before we send/say them?”

I am definitely guilty of having those “Stick foot in mouth” moments but some of the things people say I really believe could have been prevented. Anyway, here are a couple of “Did you really say that?”

Girl writes this to guy:

“I know that this is going to seem really crazy because we don’t even know each other. And then it is going to sound even crazier that I am sending you this message through facebook but I thought I would let you know that you were in my dream last night.” <- Did she really write that to a guy! If you thought it was going to make you sound crazy and you didn’t want him to think you were crazy, why did you send him a facebook message telling him exactly what would make you seem crazy?!

There is this man that has been trying to take a friendship to another level, one day or text message is as follows: (spelling is exactly how he spells)

Him: “Do you no what quick sand is and what it can do? If your not sure look it up and answer that.”

Me: “I know what quicksand is and that you sink if you are stuck in it. What are you implying?”

Him: “I’m like quicksand don’t fight me if you do you’ll sink deeper and deeper. Im just sayingJ”

WHAT?????? Maybe, I am tripping but would this text convo have any of you ladies ready to get trapped in his “quicksand.” It sure did not have me feeling any kind of way! Matter of fact something is a little creepy when a man says, “don’t fight me.”

While watching an episode of millionaire matchmaker I could not believe the conversation. Let me set the scene. The millionaire is a retired nfl player and is on a FIRST (I draw attention to first b/c everyone does not have to air their dirty laundry out) date with the girl that he was most interested in from the mixer. They are headed to a romantic, roof-top dinner.

Her: “So you know I am a single mom and I have to look out for myself. Thus, I googled you. And it is said that you don’t pay your child support.”

WHAT???? Lady, you are on a first date! That is not an appropriate question to ask at all! How offensive and none of your business on the first date!

Anyway, blogs are meant to be random. Hope you enjoyed my randomness!

I'd rather be your nothing than your sometimes something...

Do you ever wonder what makes us feel so desperate or inferior to another person that we will settle to be their sometimes something? In the begining process of "dating" it is not unusual to go a couple of days without hearing from one another; however, if you have been talking to someone for awhile, is it still fair that you guys only communicate when it is convenient for him or her?

I know so many women and men that pass up a mate that wants to be their everything so they can be somebody else's sometimes something. What makes the "I'll talk to you when its convenient for me" person so desirable? I can't explain exactly why some of us lust for the person that pays us the least attention but I know that eventually most of us come to the realization that we deserve all or nothing.

So, with the new year there is no better time to step back and analyze who you are letting treat you as their "sometimes something." Ask yourself, why you will settle to be their option while they are your priority. The answers may be hard to comprehend but the results will be invaluable. I feel like any man that has me is lucky because I know what I bring to the table. I also know that I will never find the man that I am happy to have if I settle to be a sometimes something. You should feel the same way. So today make it known that you deserve everything or he/she deserves nothing!

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle

I read a quote by Mr. Abraham Lincoln that said, “Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.” We all know that the world doesn’t pay us for what we know but for what we do; but do we always take action? One thing that seems to separate winners from losers is that winners take action. So, are you a highly action-oriented person or do you just talk about all the things you want?

Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonalds, said, “There are three keys to success: 1. Being at the right place at the right time. 2. Knowing you are there. 3. Taking action. <- Did you catch that last one? TAKING ACTION! It doesn’t matter where you are or who you know if you don’t have enough initiative to take action!  NO one is privileged to anything in life simply because they are born or they think they deserve it.  Behind every great achievement is a story of education, training, practice, discipline, and sacrifice. You have to be willing to pay the price! So what are you waiting for? Be Willing!

FUNNY STORY:  A Story is told of a man who goes to church and prays, “God I need a break. I need to win the state lottery. I’m counting on you, God.” Having not won the lottery, the man returns to church a week later and once again prays, “God about that state lottery…I’ve been kind to my wife. I’ve given up drinking. I’ve been really good. Give me a break. Let me win the lottery.” A week later, still no richer, he returns to pray once again. “God, I don’t seem to be getting through to you on this state lottery thing. I’ve been using positive self-talk, saying affirmations, and visualizing the money. Give me a break, God. Let me win the lottery.” Suddenly the heavens open, white light and heavenly music flood into the church, and a deep voice says, “My son, give me a break! Buy a lottery ticket!”

If you don’t take action, you can't expect results!

Why did we even put a label on it?

And another one bites the dust. My girlfriend and her guy decided to become “official” but it’s funny because I am starting to realize that men and women have different opinions about what a “boyfriend/girlfriend commitment” is. She thought it meant-“I am no longer talking to any of the men I once talked to” and he thought it meant “I am still talking to every female I talked to, plus new ones; but I will just lie about it so she doesn’t find out.” Well, needless to say she found out.  As a result, she is asking herself, “How can he love me? Why did he even make a commitment in the first place?”

So why do men make the commitment if they are not ready to be committed? I think, he decides, “She is special. Something about her makes me want to brand her with my initials and let all other men know that she is mine.” As a result, she stops entertaining other men because she is in a committed, monogamous relationship. Unfortunately, like the situation above something like snooping or bad timing happens and she finds out the monogamy part of the relationship is a one-sided deal. At that point many of us females question whether he loves or cares about us at all.

I have asked several male friends the question, “Can you really care/love us if ONE of us is obviously not enough to satisfy?” Most male’s response: Doesn’t mean I don’t love you because I talk to other girls. They have nothing to do with how I feel about you. It just means that I still find other women intriguing but I find you most intriguing and that is why you have my commitment in the form of a title.

            Really?! Should we settle to be the most intriguing of all the women? Is it fair that because we get the number 1 position that we should just turn our backs until he gets bored of “Miss Entertaining for right now?” Or pretend that there is no “Miss Entertaining for right now?” Will his definition of commitment ever change to include monogamy?

MY PERSPECTIVE: Only you know the heart of the person you decide to give your heart too. No woman wants to share her man but no woman wants to give up the man who she knows is growing into a great man. Women aren’t perfect and either are men. If he loves you, he respects you, if he respects you, he NEVER lets you feel insecure in the relationship on the account of another intriguing woman. So judge his heart and judge your security in being with him, if you have an ounce of doubt about the gauge level on either, it might be time to throw the deuces.       

Feels so Good to be FREE...

Although, I never speak to my most recent ex anymore a situation happened and we corresponded a little bit. It got me to thinking how at one point I pictured spending the rest of my life with him. I was so stuck on him. Even when we weren’t together anymore I constantly held onto the “one day he will come around.” Although, I pretended I was alright that him and I weren’t together anymore, I was not letting myself get over him and it was making me miserable. Anytime, I would have the opportunity to talk to him or see him I was doing it. Whether I realized it or not, I was waiting for the day he had that “flash bulb” moment and realized he made a big mistake. Man, I never thought I could get over him.  But as time ticked and ticked, I spaced myself from him and occupied my thoughts with everything but him.

To talk to him and find that this conversation was different become an “ah ha” moment I never thought I would have. It was funny because once the conversation was over, there was no yearning in my heart or no thoughts in my mind pondering the idea of maybe we can get back together. I felt FREE! So many times when a break up is fresh, and especially when the break up is a result of him not wanting YOU anymore, it is so hard to accept the rejection and move on. We become so engulfed in the fact that “you don’t get to decide that you don’t want me anymore without my consent” that we treat getting back together like it’s the missing ingredient to creating a happy life. So my purpose of this post? WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO FINALLY FEEL FREE? My opinion:

1.    NO we cannot be friends! Ladies, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment if you think the man that you love and you can ONLY be friends. Why do this to yourselves? If you get that burning feeling in your chest thinking of him being with another female than friendship is not for you guys. Look at all your male friends (sad I have to say this but- STRICTLY male friends) and ask yourself, why do you enjoy having a male friend. My answer is- he gives me a male perspective, we have fun, I can talk to him about relationship problems, he can talk to me about his relationship problems, we give each other advice. <- Catch that. You know each other’s business and can comment because there are no ulterior motives on either parties side.

2.    He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too! We get used to the companionship. So we will settle for an occasional him instead of no him at all. In reality, doing this is keeping you there, letting him be a part time lover (backtracking everything you guys ever built), and lowering yourself worth. We are fabulous so if a man does not realize how rare and priceless you are he doesn’t deserve you at his convenience! YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF RECYCABLE PLASTIC!

3.    Occupy your time. Go out! Have fun! Be crazy! Take on new projects! Volunteer! Date even if the man doesn’t have the potential for you to one day take on his last name! Improve yourself! Do everything you possibly can that makes you a better you and takes your focus off of being a couple.

Hurt takes time to heal. A cut doesn’t heal over night but it does heal. Believe me when your hurt heals and you can feel whole without a man in your life you’ll be so GLAD you got to moving along when you did! YOU’LL FEEL SO GOOD TO BE FREE!

If he doesn’t feel this way about you, then he doesn’t deserve you! LOVE this song!

Ok. I want to apologize because I have been the worst blogger PERIOD!!! There are so many things that I have wanted to post lately and haven’t! Well, IM BACK!!!

Why can't I be on you team:(

Description

I know I look like a girly girl but I am EXTREMELY competitive (I’ll race you to see who can drink their water fastest or try and bet on EVERYTHING). I played a little sports in high school and intramural stuff in college. My FAVORITE sport to play is basketball. I love it. I have not played in a LONG time (except that street ball game I had down in the park this past summer against this fat dude so that doesn’t count because he just kept boxing me out. Unfair game) so I decided that I was going to try and get on a team at the gym and play a game or two (if we win). Problem is NO one will pick me for their team! I know there is only one gym and everyone else wants to play BUT come on I can shoot better than that guy! The being picked last and not being picked up at all b/c teams are “full” (until that 6 foot 8 guy walks in and says he has next) hurt my confidence a little and had me ashamed to step on the court. I just want to let them know that I am going to be back. I am waking up early, running suicides, doing dribbling drill, and shooting until my arm falls off! I am going to show them. Next time everyone is going to be signing up to be on my team! Take that guys at LA Fitness gym! Hahahahahaha (oh, that was an evil laugh, in case you didn’t know)

Men vs. Women

Last night I had the chance to catch up with one of my favorite homeboy’s who I haven’t talked to in forever. Last time I spoke with him, he had officially got a girlfriend and was, in girls terms, “head over heels.” (we know you men would NEVER say you are head over heels for a chick.) Anyway, a part of our conversation went a little like this:

Me: So, how are you and the girlfriend?

Him: We are probably going to break up. I wanted her to come visit (they are in a long term relationship now b/c his job just relocated)for my birthday but she kept giving me the run around. Then she called last minute to ask if I was going to fly her out (after tickets jumped triple in price. I’m tired of her. I have this new girl I’m going to start talking to.

Me: New girl, already? Don’t be too sad about your still GIRLFRIEND who thinks you guys have a committed relationship (you know where if things get conflicting, you talk about it and try to resolve because you care about her)…

This got me to thinking, IT SEEMS LIKE IT IS SO MUCH EASIER FOR MEN TO MOVE ON FROM A RELATIONSHIP THAN WOMEN. Why is that? Well, I think I have an answer (my blog so my opinion)…

MEN know they have options. They look at the “feed up” point in a relationship as an opportunity to find something else that makes them happy. They realize that there is something else that makes them happy. (I am referring to cases where things just aren’t working out not because he is being a cheating dog or grass is greener guy)

WOMEN are sketchy as to whether or not we will find anyone that we will like again on the level of a relationship. We don’t know if we will meet another guy we will be attracted to like him, make us laugh like him, or someone that made us feel the way he did.

Did you notice the difference? Men see options. Men want something different than what they didn’t work out with. Women see an option. They only still see “him” and finding someone just like the “him” so they try to make it work with him until that is not an option.

The mind is such a powerful thing! If you can control your thinking and keep your mind clear you will be amazed at how clearly you view situations and how easy conclusions about situations are reached. Dating is a gamble. You either win or lose but like any Gamblers Anonymous member will tell you… You still keep playing b/c eventually you’re going to win!

“Yeah she fine but she party all the time…” – This quote could describe a section of my life. I LOVE to go out with the girls and PARTY. Some of my FAVORITE past times have happened in various clubs across the United States. I never got dressed and made up to get hollered at by the boys, I honestly loved to PARTY! However, the life of a rock-star is not all glitzy and glamorous. It is so easy to get caught up in the big city lights and in the midst of the lights you lose sight of who you are, what your morals were, and add regret to your life. 

If you are having trouble recognizing who you are or find yourself saying, “Why did I do that? I know better.” Only to do it again then it might be time to take a time-out. Separation from the crowd and time off the scene allows you to separate the “right now fun” from the “goals and ambitions I have in life.”  You can only lose yourself when you no longer become concerned with where you are or what you do.

A day in the life of an EXTRA

I have never had the aspiration to be an actress but when a friend called and asked me if I would like to be an extra on a popular television show that is coming out I agreed. I am always up for a new experience and in this chapter of figuring out what I am passionate about in life it never hurts to try new things. So, my directions indicated that I needed to be on location at 10AM. I wake up extra early and arrive ten minutes until 10AM (trying to make a great first impression b/c I am usually late!).

Initially, all the extra’s are sitting at tables with chairs until we are asked to move into a corner with folding chairs because the table and regular chairs are for the cast and crew. “So, okay cool. I know my place. Everyone has to start at the bottom.” After sitting for 3 hours FINALLY called on set. I was a little nervous but nonetheless ready to get my silent acting on. After about take 5 million and ten, I started to think I don’t believe I am passionate about this acting thing.

Bathroom time. A friend of mine and I use the bathroom by set. On our way out of the restroom and back to set we see a snack table and just wanted a couple of almonds. Right as we are about to reach for some nuts we hear someone politely say, “I believe your snack table is downstairs this is for cast and crew only.” DANG! Talk about reality check. If the camera’s and being on set for a couple of hours were starting to give me the big head that certainly brought me back to reality! LOL!

Lunch Time. Shooting stops for about half and hour so everyone can eat lunch. Which let me remind you, lunch was at 6:30 PM. The extra’s had to wait in our corner until everyone else fixed their plates first.

Still shooting. Around 1AM with no sign of someone yelling “It’s a wrap” I was still waiting for the second scene I was supposed to be in. It was at that very moment I decided acting was not my passion.

Why do I always have to eat the last 7 cookies!?

To say that I love food would be an understatement because I LOOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEE food. Food is like my back stabbing friend and frankly some of “food” I could do without in my life. Food has his/her good and bad qualities. I call the good for you food like veggies, fruit, lean meat “her” and the bad for you food like cookies, cake, bread, ice cream “him.” I have been having this love/hate relationship with food for awhile now. Why couldn’t God have blessed me to be one of those flat stomach, cute butt, nice size breast, eat whatever I want type of girls? Then “him” food and I could be best friends. Now i’ve been straddling the fence for some time now about how and when I am going to let “him” food know that we can no longer “kick it” like we have been. I said I was going to do it last year when I noticed my pudge, that used to only appear when I sat down, starting to make itself visible when I stood up. Then 6 months ago when my pudge joined forces with my whole midsection and decided to hangover my jeans, making me a “muffin top,” I knew that was the perfect moment. So today I wore a pencil skirt to work and by lunch time noticed my skin was rubbed raw on my inner thighs. The cause? My things have decided they want to fight each other by rubbing together every step I take! To add to the reality of what “him” food is doing to me I think I have booty do?! (For those of you not familiar with term it is when your stomach sticks out farther than your booty do)

SO today I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! If I don’t like something about myself I am the only person that can change it. No more weak, vulnerable me. Today is the day that I tell “him” food we must part ways.

“You have to change your mind set about food.

It is not for your enjoyment and pleasure

Food is to nourish your body.”

Note to self: The hardest part is ALWAYS the beginning. If I don’t begin then I can never achieve the me I want to see. Below are some rules to get US  started on establishing and maintaining a healthful diet:

Rule 1: Calories count. Determine your BMR (this is the number of calories your body needs to function at the most basic level).

            Women: BMR= 655+(4.35 x weight in pounds) + (4.7 x height in inches) – (4.7 x age in years)

                Men: BMR= 66+(6.32 x weight in pounds) + (12.7 x height in inches) – (6.8 x age in years)

Rule 2: Eat every four hours (not “him” food though) and no skipping meals!

Rule 3:  No processed or Junk Foods- PERIOD.

Rule 4: Beat the bloat! Minimize sodium intake, maximize water intake.

Rule 5: No Booze (Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t particularly like rule 5!)

Rule 6: Keep a food journal (I met a man the other day that lost 60 pounds last year. I asked him how he was able to do it. He said that the food journal helped immensely, “something about holding myself accountable for everything I put into my mouth.”)

Too keep it humorous and fun check out a clip from Wanda Sykes standup where she talks about her roll name Ester! (Starts at min 3.44) HILARIOUS.

Are you perfect? I didn’t think so…

Why are people so quick to judge one another like they live a perfect life? Women and men are both guilty of picking apart someone’s decisions and collectively roasting them until they find the next victim. Am I mistaken or was Jesus Christ not the only man to walk this earth sin free? But then again he was beat and ridiculed so why should us sinners expect people to have mercy on us.

I say this to say that only YOU live your life. On judgment day no one defends the decisions you made in life except you. We are ALL guilty of talking about what he or she did and while we do so we push our own vices to the back of our minds. Why? Could it be that exposing someone else keeps the X-ray machine from radiating us? I know when I have talked about others I felt a sense of superiority over them. A feeling that I am in a sense better because I don’t do this or don’t do that when in reality I may not do the same stuff but I am certainly just as human.

One day I asked my father what he wants in life his reply, “For everyone to be happy. When everyone is happy they are not worried about what I got going on over here. They aren’t trying to take what someone else because they feel like they deserve it.” Until then I never really thought about it that way. So when I talk about others in a degrading and judgmental way can I still say that I am happy with where I am at? After all, if we were happy would we feed off of “hating” (I hate this term but it seemed to be the fitting word) on someone else’s life or would we be so blissful in our own that we wouldn’t have time to notice the flaws of another person trying to make their place in this world? JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.